Dreaming of Food...

So this morning I woke up realizing I had a very intense dream involving food.  For some reason, in my dream, I was in a kitchen that was full of homemade candy, cookies, and other delicious goodies.  (Many of them were the things my best friend's mother makes around Christmas, like homemade toffee, mmm!)  I was going around the room taking bits of this and that.  My plate was full.  The whole time I was my thoughts were cycling between, "I'm getting out of control again.  I need to be writing this down.  This is going to get me way out of my points range." and "Oh, it's okay.  I'll write it down later.  I'll remember how much I ate.  I am just getting a little taste of everything, so it's not bad."  At one point my mother confronted me, and I told her that on Weight Watchers you can eat what you want, as long as you stay within your points range.  By told her, I mean I yelled at her.

So, I've been thinking about this dream a lot today.  In grad school I took a class that covered addition issues.  During the class we talked about dreams people recovering from addiction have.  They are vivid dreams of using, so vivid they feel the substance taking control of their bodies.  Often the person wakes up terrified that they did use, losing their sobriety, and now facing the consequences of relapse.   That is similar to how I felt this morning.  While thinking about this dream, I realized I had it for a reason.  I was getting a little out of control this weekend.  I was tracking hours or even a day after I had eaten something.  I was not holding myself accountable.  I allowed myself to engage in frenzied eating.

Today, I decided to change that behavior.  I wrote everything down that I knew I would eat today (breakfast and lunch) and counted the points.  Tonight I am eating dinner out with a friend.  She suggested three different restaurants.  I chose the one whose nutritional information was easy to access and had healthy options.  I decided on what I wanted, and it is already written down.  Only I have control over me.  I am choosing to keep that control rather than giving it away to food.

Oh the Places You'll Go!!

Tonight's meeting was FANTASTIC.  First, I have an amazing leader, Rachel, who provides constant encouragement to her members.  Secondly, Rachel chose to use one of my favorite authors, Dr. Seuss, as inspiration for this week's meeting.  Genious.  Finally, and what I am going to talk about most in this post, is how tonight's meeting basically described my life for the last two years.

Rachel likened Oh the Places You'll Go! to a weight loss journey.  In the book there is talk about Lurches and Slumps.  Over the last couple years, and specifically the last year and a half, I began to slump.  I started letting go of my control.  Eventually, I lost myself to a constant cycle of eating what I wanted, when I wanted, and however much I wanted.  Then I would feel guilty, sad, and would long for the size 10 skirts that I hardly wore before I "grew" out of them.  Without listening to what my body and mood were telling me, I shut them up with more food. 

According to Dr. Seuss, after the Lurches and Slumps, one might find oneself in The Waiting Place.  When Rachel talked about The Waiting Place, I recognized it immediately.  I had been sitting in The Waiting Place for almost two years now.  Each week, I waited until the next week to do something better for myself.  "Next week I'll do better because I don't have that dinner with my family."  Or "Next week I'll do better because the weather should be nicer, so I can go walking."  Or I placated myself by saying, "At least I'm still in Weight Watchers...at least I'm doing something...at least I'm not getting worse..."  I was constantly making excuses and just waiting for the perfect circumstances to get back on track.  I did not want to recognize that life is the perfect circumstance.  There is always going to be something--birthdays, dinners, free cookies sitting two feet from your desk at work--and those somethings should not control my life and health.  I did not accept this until I surpassed a number I never wanted to see.  The number that I thought, "Well, as long as I don't weight THAT much, I'm fine."  I was not fine; I was out of control.

I am excited to be out of The Waiting Place.  I am now where the Boom Bands are playing!  I am in control.  I enjoyed a wonderful weekend with friends, food, and drinks, and still managed to lose this week.  I am dancing my heart out!