Dreaming of Food...

So this morning I woke up realizing I had a very intense dream involving food.  For some reason, in my dream, I was in a kitchen that was full of homemade candy, cookies, and other delicious goodies.  (Many of them were the things my best friend's mother makes around Christmas, like homemade toffee, mmm!)  I was going around the room taking bits of this and that.  My plate was full.  The whole time I was my thoughts were cycling between, "I'm getting out of control again.  I need to be writing this down.  This is going to get me way out of my points range." and "Oh, it's okay.  I'll write it down later.  I'll remember how much I ate.  I am just getting a little taste of everything, so it's not bad."  At one point my mother confronted me, and I told her that on Weight Watchers you can eat what you want, as long as you stay within your points range.  By told her, I mean I yelled at her.

So, I've been thinking about this dream a lot today.  In grad school I took a class that covered addition issues.  During the class we talked about dreams people recovering from addiction have.  They are vivid dreams of using, so vivid they feel the substance taking control of their bodies.  Often the person wakes up terrified that they did use, losing their sobriety, and now facing the consequences of relapse.   That is similar to how I felt this morning.  While thinking about this dream, I realized I had it for a reason.  I was getting a little out of control this weekend.  I was tracking hours or even a day after I had eaten something.  I was not holding myself accountable.  I allowed myself to engage in frenzied eating.

Today, I decided to change that behavior.  I wrote everything down that I knew I would eat today (breakfast and lunch) and counted the points.  Tonight I am eating dinner out with a friend.  She suggested three different restaurants.  I chose the one whose nutritional information was easy to access and had healthy options.  I decided on what I wanted, and it is already written down.  Only I have control over me.  I am choosing to keep that control rather than giving it away to food.

Oh the Places You'll Go!!

Tonight's meeting was FANTASTIC.  First, I have an amazing leader, Rachel, who provides constant encouragement to her members.  Secondly, Rachel chose to use one of my favorite authors, Dr. Seuss, as inspiration for this week's meeting.  Genious.  Finally, and what I am going to talk about most in this post, is how tonight's meeting basically described my life for the last two years.

Rachel likened Oh the Places You'll Go! to a weight loss journey.  In the book there is talk about Lurches and Slumps.  Over the last couple years, and specifically the last year and a half, I began to slump.  I started letting go of my control.  Eventually, I lost myself to a constant cycle of eating what I wanted, when I wanted, and however much I wanted.  Then I would feel guilty, sad, and would long for the size 10 skirts that I hardly wore before I "grew" out of them.  Without listening to what my body and mood were telling me, I shut them up with more food. 

According to Dr. Seuss, after the Lurches and Slumps, one might find oneself in The Waiting Place.  When Rachel talked about The Waiting Place, I recognized it immediately.  I had been sitting in The Waiting Place for almost two years now.  Each week, I waited until the next week to do something better for myself.  "Next week I'll do better because I don't have that dinner with my family."  Or "Next week I'll do better because the weather should be nicer, so I can go walking."  Or I placated myself by saying, "At least I'm still in Weight Watchers...at least I'm doing something...at least I'm not getting worse..."  I was constantly making excuses and just waiting for the perfect circumstances to get back on track.  I did not want to recognize that life is the perfect circumstance.  There is always going to be something--birthdays, dinners, free cookies sitting two feet from your desk at work--and those somethings should not control my life and health.  I did not accept this until I surpassed a number I never wanted to see.  The number that I thought, "Well, as long as I don't weight THAT much, I'm fine."  I was not fine; I was out of control.

I am excited to be out of The Waiting Place.  I am now where the Boom Bands are playing!  I am in control.  I enjoyed a wonderful weekend with friends, food, and drinks, and still managed to lose this week.  I am dancing my heart out!

A Week Later...

Since last week I learned a lot.  Maybe I should correct myself--I relearned what I already knew.  I am remembering what it feels like to have control over what I eat, how I live, and how I reward myself.

I managed to leave those chocolate covered potato chips alone for another week...even when I remembered during an awful chocolate craving that they were there.  I had control over my temptation!

Part of learning to live a healthy life is learning how to cook.  I had heard a lot about quinoa over the last year or so.  I even tried it once at my bff's wedding brunch.  Other than that, all I knew is that it's pronounced nothing like it's spelled.  Over the last month, though, I have started cooking it.  Below is my absolute favorite recipe and is a new standby.  Make sure to read beyond the recipe to get some hints...

WeightWatchers Quinoa with Spinach
1 tbsp olive oil
1 large onion, minced
1 medium garlic clove, minced
1 cup quinoa, rinsed or purchase pre-rinsed
2 cups reduced sodium chicken broth
1/8 tsp black pepper
1/8 tsp crushed red pepper flakes, optional
4 cups spinach, baby leaves, packed, coarsely chopped
1/2 tsp table salt

Instructions:
1. Heat oil in large nonstick skillet over medium high heat.  Add onion and garlic, cook, stirring frequently, until union is tender about 3 to 5 minutes.
2.  Add quinoa to skillet, cook, stirring frequently, until quinoa starts to turn golden brown; about 2 minutes.
3. Add broth, black pepper, and red pepper flakes (optional) to skillet; bring to a boil.  Cover skillet and reduce heat to low and simmer for 13 minutes; stir in spinach. Cover skillet and cook until spinach and quinoa are tender and liquid is absorbed, about 3 to 5 minutes; season with salt. Yields about 1/2 cup per serving. 1 point per serving.

I like to double the recipe so I can eat left overs for lunch.  I also like doubling the recipe and adding chicken.  Basically, just buy a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store, "pick" it, and add it at the same time as the spinach.  Doing this makes it about 6 points per 1 and 1/2 cups.  It is tasty warm when you first make it and cold as a left over.

Let me know what you think!

Starting Over in the Middle

Basically, I am a woman in love with food...but not in love with how I've let my love of food overwhelm my body. In other words, I am on a path towards healthy living. Right now I'm fighting the urge to eat some chocolate covered potato chips I have hiding on the top shelf of a cabinet in my dining room. I know, you can't believe it, they make chocolate covered potato chips. It sounds disgusting, but trust me they are delicious...I know. I have eaten a whole bag of them in one sitting.  (Disclaimer: It's not the size of a large potato chip bag, more like an individual serving sized bag, but probably three times the calories and fat.)

So, I guess blogging is a better way to deal with that urge than giving into it. I have been participating in Weight Watchers since October 2006. In the beginning I was extremely successful, losing 25 pounds and getting within 10 pounds of my goal weight. Unfortunately, I lost momentum, gained it all back (plus some) and have had difficulty getting that momentum back. Today my leader suggested I start blogging. Originally, I thought...Who is going to read it? What am I going to write? Then this craving for chocolate covered potato chips hit me, and I realized it doesn't matter who reads it. I know what I need to write about...my constant battle to gain control of my life...especially regarding food and healthy living.

So here I am. Writing a blog. I hope you enjoy it.

There are some things I would like you to know about me.  I am the youngest of four children.  My older siblings have never struggled with weight issues.  Two skinny mini sisters and a lanky brother can make the slightly chubby child look super chubby.  I've been aware of my weight since a pretty young age.  I don't say this to imply my family was malicious towards me, but to show you that this isn't a new feeling I've had.  This is something I have experienced for quite some time.  Now, though, when I look back at pictures of me as a child, preteen, and teenager, I do not see a chubby girl.  I see a big smile and some stringy blonde hair...and when I look at pictures of me from highschool I think, Wow, I was SKINNY!  It's also important to know that my mother actually did feed us healthy foods.  I grew up loving vegetables, fruits, wheat bread, desserts for special occassions only, etc.  But my mom also never had to worry about being overweight...so butter and gravy were present in most meals.

In college I didn't really gain the customary Freshman Fifteen.  I think my body was slightly shocked by all the walking I was doing on a daily basis that it kept me even weight wise.  After I graduated from college I began Weight Watchers.  October 18, 2008, I married my husband, Justin.  Justin also does Weight Watchers and has lost a significant amount of weight over the last two years. 

I am a social worker.  I have always loved helping people.  I have decided to begin helping myself a little more.  I am hoping this blog will hold me accountable...not because I am going to post my weekly weigh-in results, but because I am going to make this my new outlet instead of chocolate covered potato chips...

There is a disconnect between my desire to lose weight and my action to lose weight. I'm working to connect those two so I won't feel so torn between what I want for myself long term (healthy weight loss) vs. what I want right now (those chocolate covered potato chips).  So, welcome to my journey.